[ He doesn't think of it that way; he would wonder what the actual benefits of a 'friend with benefits' like him is if she starts feeling she owes him anything. But, he at least somewhat understands she's damn hard on herself on principle so it's most likely not exclusive of their relationship.
[ Masamune is on the couch when she gets there, staring up at the ceiling with no particular focus for his vision. It's just an easy blank canvas to let his thoughts wander but without them all crashing down on him at once. (Basically, he's spacing out.) ]
Ah? [ There is only a small pause before he turns away from the ceiling and looks over to her, curious and listening. That trailing off... hm. What does that mean? ]
Something on your mind? [ Obviously, but, sometimes asking the obvious is better than trying to decide prematurely if 'something is wrong' or not. ]
[ He sould have realized Kida knowing about it enough to ask in text meant she really knew about it. ]
Yeah, so I've been told.
[ Masamune is still stubbornly clinging to his reasons, even if he knows, regardless of them, it still upset her the same as if it had all been malicious. ]
[ So he's been told? He can't possibly have no regrets, if only for the hurt he's caused--but then, what would Kida know? She understands the need to project a strong, composed facade, but not for a friend.
Is that what they are, truly? Her fingers run through his hair as she considers him. It's a long moment before she speaks. ]
[ It sounds like a trick question, but he's not sure. Glancing up at her, he looks a bit curious. ]
Yeah.
[ Masamune hasn't had many friends in his life. (Kojuro would be considered the first but even then his role is different than that of a friend. So, really, his first friend would have been Yukimura.)
Still, he can't imagine anything less for someone such as Kida. Although he can't help but toss the question back at her, now. ]
[ She doesn't feel like a friend. But then, perhaps they just haven't known each other long enough.
She resists the impulse to lay out next to him, to drape over his chest and press her face into his neck. It would be comfortable; he's comfortable. She wishes she didn't want to question him so badly. ]
I think so. I consider you my friend.
[ But she's never seen his face. But he doesn't speak to her, doesn't trust her, not fully. Maybe she simply hasn't earned it, yet. Maybe he's always been slower to trust than she is. This was meant to be easy, so why is it so complicated?
No, she decides. She doesn't want to sit on this hesitation and just let it grow into a rift. ]
[ Kida is saying it like Sieglinde does-- about secrets. Masamune doesn't seem to understand. He's never understood Sieglinde's constant claims, either, though, and somehow it's never the reverse. So this isn't as out-of-the-blue of a reaction as it may seem initially. ]
You stole from Sieglinde, right before me! As if it were nothing! You are injured and say nothing, you obfuscate when I ask you questions--[ 'How old are you, Masamune?' 'Can we get back to being twelve?' ]--it is as if you do not trust me.
[ He looks at her for a moment longer after she goes silent before looking away as he shifts his position a little. It may be out of getting a more comfortable position, although chances are equally likely it is a manner of fidgeting from being put on the spot. ]
It's not that I don't trust you. Those examples all have slightly different reasonings as to why I did them [ --or still do them-- ] but it's got nothing to do with me trusting you or not.
For example... the thing with Sieglinde [ Since that was mentioned just moments ago ]; why would I drag you into something that would potentially hurt your relationship with her?
[ He is quiet for several seconds, trying to keep his composure. ]
I didn't ask her because I was sure it was something of her mother's. I don't know how much of that she's been fed as lies that she still is carrying around as truth.
As for you-- did you even know anything about it? I didn't think you knew any more than I did or of course I would have asked you about it.
It is not about knowledge--you went behind both of our backs, Masamune!
[ What she means is, whatever she knew should have been irrelevant in the face of what that paper meant to Sieglinde; how could he have not anticipated this fallout?
Would he really only have said anything if she was useful to him? He would never have thought of double-checking this plan with anyone? Kida could have spoken to Sieglinde on his behalf, if nothing else. ]
[ It seems they both want to hammer this in but while he understands on principle the issue they have with it, the circumstances don't make him feel as if he was supposed to look at it the same way. ]
The only way I could be sure was if a third party was brought in and not with her knowing. She was in such a state I really didn't believe she would tell me anything about it. [ He gives a small wave of his hand. ] I don't talk magic garbage with her as it is.
[ He's shutting down. She can see it, in the way he's tightening, coiling like a serpent ready to strike. Her hands ball into fists in response. ]
Masamune, she is a child! [ How can he not see the damage he's wrought? ] All she has ever been is betrayed! What do you think she sees when she looks at you, now?
[ She lets that statement hang.
They told her she wasn't alone. One of them lied. ]
[ It's amazing how she can make him feel that same feeling of being cornered just as Gilgamesh does but in a completely different way. He lashes out once, irrationally defensive. ]
—I don't care what she sees! [ That's a big lie. It's also something he doesn't like to face, even on a good day. ] You're right; She is a child. Am I supposed to trust a child to know when she is hurting herself when that's all she's ever been taught how to do—!?
You saw how she acted that day; she didn't even want us to look nevermind ask. Are you telling me I'm just supposed to sit on my hands and let her rot from the inside out without her even realizing it because she'll feel betrayed if I go against her?
I would rather her hate me. [ He folds his arms and looks away from Kida in an attempt to somehow reground himself. He can't get sucked in by his emotions any further, and he needs put out what's been ignited in him now thus far-- if he wants to save face on some level. Resorting to reacting emotionally will just make everything worse. He waves a hand dismissively. ] I'm used to being hated, it's nothing new for me.
[ At least Sieglinde's reasons are far less psychotic and reasonanle than his own mother's. ]
[ She rises up to meet him like a cresting wave. They're chest-to-chest, his glancing voice battering against her. She grits her teeth. ]
Do not lie to me!
[ I would rather her hate me, he says. And to her face! The gall. What is he hiding from? He's not a man of words. His body betrays him, he doesn't have the eloquence he needs to disguise himself. ]
You love her. You love her or you would have not acted at all!
[ She lets those words hang in the air, nose wrinkled, lips pulled back but barely. It's a long second before some of that energy fades. ]
What I am telling you--[ she presses a hand against his chest, pushing him back a bit, punctuated her statement. ]--is that you made the wrong choice with the right intention, Masamune. There is no need for the both of you to hurt!
I didn't say I want her to hate me, I said I preferred it to doing nothing!
[ It's hard, though, to yell over her, especially when Kida's hand presses ip against his his chest and the statement leaves her lips fully. Masamune's desire to yell and otherwise push a different facade (like that of controlled indifference) leaves him abruptly.
So far he has not been able to connect with Kida and her view of the events in question, exactly, but those are words that he can't-- and won't --try to deny the truth of. ]
... I know. [ He does understand it was the wrong decision in this instance m but to simply admit and apologize is not so easy when he feels he and the other party are not seeing it the same way. Her claim is sound and crystal clear, now, without room to wonder what this queen-to-be is thinking. There's no way to deny it or nitpick it apart back into messss of grey. Without a word, the warlord closes his eyes, clenching a fist tightly, as he forces himself to settle back down by taking a seat on the couch once more. ]
. . .She isn't going to listen as she is in the height of her feelings right now. And I can't have her easily connected to me as someone important if we are not on well enough terms that I can protect her properly.
At least, if she festers in some hate for me, it'll look less obvious to the outside how I feel about her. That has to be the better option to putting her at risk. [ Right? ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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As for her actual message... ]
I made it worse, but she did.
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Of course you did. How can such wisdom co-exist with such ignorance? You are a man of contrasts, Masamune Date.
Let me come see you.
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I'm in my room.
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Masamune...
[ She isn't hesitant, but her voice trails off regardless. She's still thinking about what Sieglinde said to her earlier. ]
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Ah? [ There is only a small pause before he turns away from the ceiling and looks over to her, curious and listening. That trailing off... hm. What does that mean? ]
Something on your mind? [ Obviously, but, sometimes asking the obvious is better than trying to decide prematurely if 'something is wrong' or not. ]
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You. And Sieglinde as well. [ The honest answer. She bows over him, her mouth in a tight line. ] You did a terrible thing to her.
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[ He sould have realized Kida knowing about it enough to ask in text meant she really knew about it. ]
Yeah, so I've been told.
[ Masamune is still stubbornly clinging to his reasons, even if he knows, regardless of them, it still upset her the same as if it had all been malicious. ]
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Is that what they are, truly? Her fingers run through his hair as she considers him. It's a long moment before she speaks. ]
Are we friends, you and I?
[ Or something else entirely? ]
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Yeah.
[ Masamune hasn't had many friends in his life. (Kojuro would be considered the first but even then his role is different than that of a friend. So, really, his first friend would have been Yukimura.)
Still, he can't imagine anything less for someone such as Kida. Although he can't help but toss the question back at her, now. ]
Right?
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She resists the impulse to lay out next to him, to drape over his chest and press her face into his neck. It would be comfortable; he's comfortable. She wishes she didn't want to question him so badly. ]
I think so. I consider you my friend.
[ But she's never seen his face. But he doesn't speak to her, doesn't trust her, not fully. Maybe she simply hasn't earned it, yet. Maybe he's always been slower to trust than she is. This was meant to be easy, so why is it so complicated?
No, she decides. She doesn't want to sit on this hesitation and just let it grow into a rift. ]
So why keep so many secrets?
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Secrets like... what?
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You stole from Sieglinde, right before me! As if it were nothing! You are injured and say nothing, you obfuscate when I ask you questions--[ 'How old are you, Masamune?' 'Can we get back to being twelve?' ]--it is as if you do not trust me.
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It's not that I don't trust you. Those examples all have slightly different reasonings as to why I did them [ --or still do them-- ] but it's got nothing to do with me trusting you or not.
For example... the thing with Sieglinde [ Since that was mentioned just moments ago ]; why would I drag you into something that would potentially hurt your relationship with her?
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But you saw fit to drag in Gilgamesh?
[ Of all the people he could've asked... ]
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Masamune's brow creases. Man, the girls sure are on a rampage over the royal rich bitch's involvement here. ]
Hey, don't make it sound like something it's not. He was the most likely person to know if they were really magic circles or not.
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That is a lie.
[ It's not, really, and she knows, but she has a hard time seeing past her vehement dislike of Gilgamesh himself, tenuous tolerance wearing thin. ]
You went to him first.
[ And that's the bigger issue: that Masamune would sooner trust Gilgamesh than Sieglinde herself. ]
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Who should I have gone to first? If anyone, I figured she would have spoken to him about it.
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[ Obvious...ly? ] To me, to anyone but for that--snake!
[ She opens her palms, brows knitted together. ]
Why did you not simply ask?
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I didn't ask her because I was sure it was something of her mother's. I don't know how much of that she's been fed as lies that she still is carrying around as truth.
As for you-- did you even know anything about it? I didn't think you knew any more than I did or of course I would have asked you about it.
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It is not about knowledge--you went behind both of our backs, Masamune!
[ What she means is, whatever she knew should have been irrelevant in the face of what that paper meant to Sieglinde; how could he have not anticipated this fallout?
Would he really only have said anything if she was useful to him? He would never have thought of double-checking this plan with anyone? Kida could have spoken to Sieglinde on his behalf, if nothing else. ]
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[ It seems they both want to hammer this in but while he understands on principle the issue they have with it, the circumstances don't make him feel as if he was supposed to look at it the same way. ]
The only way I could be sure was if a third party was brought in and not with her knowing. She was in such a state I really didn't believe she would tell me anything about it. [ He gives a small wave of his hand. ] I don't talk magic garbage with her as it is.
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Masamune, she is a child! [ How can he not see the damage he's wrought? ] All she has ever been is betrayed! What do you think she sees when she looks at you, now?
[ She lets that statement hang.
They told her she wasn't alone. One of them lied. ]
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—I don't care what she sees! [ That's a big lie. It's also something he doesn't like to face, even on a good day. ] You're right; She is a child. Am I supposed to trust a child to know when she is hurting herself when that's all she's ever been taught how to do—!?
You saw how she acted that day; she didn't even want us to look nevermind ask. Are you telling me I'm just supposed to sit on my hands and let her rot from the inside out without her even realizing it because she'll feel betrayed if I go against her?
I would rather her hate me. [ He folds his arms and looks away from Kida in an attempt to somehow reground himself. He can't get sucked in by his emotions any further, and he needs put out what's been ignited in him now thus far-- if he wants to save face on some level. Resorting to reacting emotionally will just make everything worse. He waves a hand dismissively. ] I'm used to being hated, it's nothing new for me.
[ At least Sieglinde's reasons are far less psychotic and reasonanle than his own mother's. ]
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Do not lie to me!
[ I would rather her hate me, he says. And to her face! The gall. What is he hiding from? He's not a man of words. His body betrays him, he doesn't have the eloquence he needs to disguise himself. ]
You love her. You love her or you would have not acted at all!
[ She lets those words hang in the air, nose wrinkled, lips pulled back but barely. It's a long second before some of that energy fades. ]
What I am telling you--[ she presses a hand against his chest, pushing him back a bit, punctuated her statement. ]--is that you made the wrong choice with the right intention, Masamune. There is no need for the both of you to hurt!
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[ It's hard, though, to yell over her, especially when Kida's hand presses ip against his his chest and the statement leaves her lips fully. Masamune's desire to yell and otherwise push a different facade (like that of controlled indifference) leaves him abruptly.
So far he has not been able to connect with Kida and her view of the events in question, exactly, but those are words that he can't-- and won't --try to deny the truth of. ]
... I know. [ He does understand it was the wrong decision in this instance m but to simply admit and apologize is not so easy when he feels he and the other party are not seeing it the same way. Her claim is sound and crystal clear, now, without room to wonder what this queen-to-be is thinking. There's no way to deny it or nitpick it apart back into messss of grey. Without a word, the warlord closes his eyes, clenching a fist tightly, as he forces himself to settle back down by taking a seat on the couch once more. ]
. . .She isn't going to listen as she is in the height of her feelings right now. And I can't have her easily connected to me as someone important if we are not on well enough terms that I can protect her properly.
At least, if she festers in some hate for me, it'll look less obvious to the outside how I feel about her. That has to be the better option to putting her at risk. [ Right? ]
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